I wake up almost every morning feeling this emptiness.
This fire of lonelyness just lights up in me with no way of putting it
out.

the loss of loved ones from me injures my heart constantly
and even though friends and family tell me they know how i feel...
they lie. no one knows my pain unless they lived it.

And as of now..to my knowledge...none of them have
went through half the shit i've been through.

Nothing now makes me enjoy living besides my husband.
television still poisons the mind and work just poisons me in general.

my ultimate savior?

MUSIC

music has saved me through tough nights and fucked up days.
without it i wouldn't be alive or sane.
i wouldn't be waking up in the morning with my head held high and
my heart welcoming. if that's even possible.

everyone says life is hard...don't get me wrong, it is, but it's irritating.
the kind of people that hate their lives are the kind that most people wish to be.
rich kids think they know pain, but the truth is they don't know the true meaning of pain..
they think pain is the fear of parents getting divorced...the out come?
having mommy and daddy both spoil you...such tragedy.

i have never asked for much in my life but i guess to god asking for a real family is just much too much,
i watch my brother and sister enjoy theirs with their real family...
and gladly i am welcomed...but if you were me you would feel the same akwardness just standing in the
middle of the room and not even feel comfortable with siblings.

that's what it was for me...being uncomfortable.
even when they welcomed me.
but i wasn't my family.
it wasn't "spending time" with mom and dad and irritant siblings...
NO
it was spending time with a family i didn't even know.
a family in which i had no memories with.
a family who probably is better off without my presence.
so i keep to myself i'm sorry...kept to myself
since i was young...
in a locked up room...
with staind, 12 stones, john mayer, sick puppies, senses fail and even the unforgettable Used.
of course there were more heroes but too much for me to mention...but don't fret all
musician are thought of by me.

i just for some reason can't break the feeling of being...lost.
emptyness is all that's me.
i can yell at the top of my lungs
scream until all the aventurine is shattered in the world...
but clarity and comfort will never creep up.
guilt and anger will never cease..

i guess...
not until...
i have my own family.

i am not being depressed...i am not trying to make people feel guilt over me
DON'T!
you would then waste your time...
because i wouldn't care...

i am just pointing out the obvious because of boredom and the fights last night.

a P.S. to everyone though.

be thankful you have a family...
parents...
brothers...
sisters...

don't take that shit for granted...
i never did and look what happened to me...

Peace and Rock Hard!